Has depression ever impacted your love life? Have you ever met someone amazing, that one person that seems to be ticking all of your boxes, but for some strange reason out of the blue you start panicking? That horrible internal voice kicks in and tells you that you don’t deserve that person. That person is too good for you. That person is too amazing. You are not playing in the same league. And if you persevere you are going to get hurt. Because why would someone so amazing want to be with insecure you?
Well that had not really happened to me. I may have many insecurities, like everyone else, and about many things, but if there is one thing I know it is that I am fun, clever and hot. I am a kick-ass dual qualified French / UK business lawyer. I am very sociable and most people like me. I usually achieve whatever I set my mind to. I am very driven and I usually get what I want. Oh and no, I am not modest. And I am cool with that too.
This is the version of me that most people meet. Until I trust people completely, they don’t get to see the flip side of the coin, the insecure me, the depressed me.
So what has happened over the years is that I have met a string of guys thinking that I was too good for them. Which is a massive turn-off. Confidence attracts, insecurities turn off. That’s dating 101. And it’s not from me either; it’s from Matthew Hussey (Get The Guy).
But here it goes. I recently meet this guy who is absolutely awesome. And very confident. I do not scare him one bit, which is so refreshing. At first I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to be this great. I keep going on dates thinking that I am going to find flaws. At least one. But I don’t. Instead I start to mess up. I become clumsy, which to be honest is in fact my natural state (I have a tendency to walk into furniture and apologies to them). Slowly but surely I reveal ALL my flows one after the other, while he just stays perfect. Annoying, right? And then one day he just tells me he’s figured me out and even though I look super confident, actually I am not. Ouch. I feel like an open book and I do not like it.
So guess what happens next. The bloody voice kicks-in: “He’s right. You’re not really confident. You’re just very good at playing the role of a confident person. You’re a fraud. He’s way too awesome for you. You don’t deserve someone like him. Get out before you get hurts.” And from there it’s all downhill as you can imagine because once you start thinking like that, it shows in your behaviour.
So now what?
How do I stop this? How do I not let depression screw up my love life? Because recognising that this is just self-sabotage is a very good first step but it’s not enough to recognise the issue; I need to fix the problem.
I could make the list of all my qualities, record it and listen to it around the clock to try and convince myself that I am just as good as he is, that nobody is perfect (I will eventually finds his flaws) and that everything is going to be fine.
That’s one option. And this is not a bad option actually as it is akin to auto-hypnosis which is a powerful tool. But the key to auto-hypnosis is repetition so it works rather slowly. And I need to fix this problem right now! So another, much faster, option would be to sit myself down and have a good talk (with myself). Sounds schizophrenic? It is a little bit. But it does work.
This type of issue (my sudden confidence wobble) is typically something that can be dealt with either coaching or hypnosis. As I mentioned in a previous post (How to fight depression using coaching techniques), I have stopped psychotherapy and moved on to hypnotherapy earlier this year. This has been one of the best decisions I have made when it comes to looking after my health.
Hypnotherapy has worked wonders for me: I quit smoking; I have solved quite a few internal conflicts; I have stopped going for the wrong type of guys; I have healed important relationships in my life; I have learned to trust my intuition.
In a nutshell I am much better for it. I could have done the same work with a psychotherapist, but it would have taken another 2 years and frankly, I needed things to move faster than that. Another one of my flaws: I am not a very patient person.
So this is where I am now. I woke up feeling rather distraught about the whole thing. I started to wonder when I was going to get dumped and I started analysing the problem. Where was the sudden lack of confidence coming from, etc. But then I remembered that I have the most powerful tool at my disposal to sort this out. And so I am going to use it. I got in touch with my amazing hypnotherapist Hawai Kaa and booked an appointment. And I know already that I will leave that session with an answer and a solution to the problem.
So now guess what? I actually feel better already. Because the truth is, that critical inner voice will always be there and I just need to learn how to deal with it every time it comes up. This is the key to managing depression: recognise the voice and find a way to get rid of it by dealing with the issue behind it. The most efficient way I have found to date is hypnotherapy. It might be something else for you. So go and explore and find the one thing that will work for you.
Until next time, take care.